Parents Talking

THERE IS A LONG STORY TO MY SISTER’S LIFE. There were years of worrying about her and wondering if she was alright. My parents were wonderful loving people, but they could not set boundaries for our younger sister. Oh, by the way she is now 45 years old. I do love my sister and wish her well, but I no longer worry over her life the way I used to. I suppose it is because I had enough of all those years when our family lived in such chaos. The fear that her screaming, yelling, shouting, hitting and her famous SCENES would pop up at any minute.What a Life! Our mother always believed that if she gave in or helped her “This One Last Time”, then my sister PROMISED she would stop, or try harder and be BETTER. That never happened.

My parents were older with the birth of my younger sister. Both of their first spouses died, and they wanted to bridge the gap of blending our families with another baby. They had six children to raise on one income and dad worked six days a week. They were great, loving people. However, they could never say the word… NO ! She got into trouble at a very young age. Running away, hitch hiking when she was only 13, sleeping around, drugs and fights. She had anger on her face and grudges against everyone. She was the Master of Manipulation and always played the VICTIM. Why do I write about this now?  Karma is a strange thing, and I guess the tables have turned. Now her oldest and only daughter, just turning 16, has been giving her nothing but trouble. I got a phone call from my sister telling me about their latest CHAOTIC EVENT IN THEIR HOME. Her daughter used profanity when she answered her mom and my sister told her she wanted her cell phone. That started another battle and it went on with the daughter hitting, kicking, screaming at both parents and threatening to call the police. She didn’t have to, the neighbors did. When the officers arrived my sister explained it was all over her daughter swearing and mom trying to take away her cell phone. The officers told my sister “well, we understand how that goes,so is everyone alright here?” This is just a small example of how distressed her life is. On a daily basis this type of outbreak can happen.Their home is now filled with the same fear of her daughter that we all grew up in…exploding tempers, rages and making everyone feel nervous, sick to their stomach and exhausted, Why is it that those same people who acted out in such a horrible way themselves, are the first to wonder WHY this is happening to them?

My sister tells me how volatile and unstable her daughter is. Yet it was my sister who took her daughter to the clinic and put her on the PILL. Don’t confuse being safe, with giving permission to become sexually active to a  12 year old girl too soon. Instead of discipline, boundaries, and many discussions about the consequences of having sex too young, she just takes her to the clinic. Like going to the mall together? There were no dating rules or times set down for this young girl, who by the way is with a guy who is 5 years older than she is…and mom gave her permission for that too. She tells me, he is a nice guy and makes good grades….what? Dear Lord!

Now my sister is having her doubts, and wonders why? She too is following the same path my mother did for her. Avoidance and denial. It doesn’t work that well. She lives in fear of her daughter’s temper and rage. The cause of all this? The root of the problems? My sister’s chaotic and unstable life all along the way while her children were little. Her kids saw horrible things and lived in places that were not safe. I understand why her daughter is lashing out, many people were taken from her because of my sisters lifestyle. It is the most selfish thing a parent can do, take away loved ones from a child’s life, because you forgot to stay “CLEAN”, or You forgot to get tested by a certain date, or You forgot to stop using drugs. YOU FORGOT TO BE A PARENT AND YOU FORGOT YOUR CHILDREN.

When my sister was young..our parents worked hard and had six children to feed and clothe. My younger sister was given everything at a very early age.The rest of us were two years apart, she was seven years younger than me. I felt like her mother many times. Even when I was young I even knew she needed to be told “NO.” My sister’s life was screwed up because my parents (mom especially) could not stand their ground, set down the house rules, enforce them and teach her to follow them. So for the rest of my mother’s life, (and she was a wonderful mom to us and a loving grandmother) but she was on a MISSION to save my younger sister. To RESCUE her. No matter what, she was there for her. When others said “it’s time to put your foot down and say no” she would say “Oh but she promised me, this time”. She believed it. My sister knew just what to say and how our mother would react. Druggies are great manipulators.

So now, it has come full circle. Our mom died at the height of my sister’s sad life. A great loss for us all. My gosh my sister even came late to our mom’s funeral and on top of that she was HIGH. Now she is facing the same challenges and gives in to her daughter’s temper tantrums all the time. Her daughter gets whatever she wants and when my sister tries to say NO, the fighting and screaming and raging fits start all over again. My sister says she doesn’t remember her screaming and making mom scared of her rage. Ironic. Now she is frightened of her own child, who always threatens her mom and dad with calling the authorities on them if they raise their hand or voice. She inherited those manipulated genes. I am sure she witnessed first hand how manipulation works.
The first chain started because rules weren’t laid down and obeyed. There was no respect from my sister to our parents. No guidelines. No boundaries. Life was hellish. Now my sister’s rules aren’t laid down and certainly not obeyed. All because one parent decided to give in to a child’s temper tantrums. This is why parents need to set down rules and guidelines. This is why parents need to be consistent and follow through. My mother never did any drugs in her life, but because there was no structure and rules set down for my sister to follow she ran amok and lived a life that has cost her dearly. She already has lost one child permanently, (he has been with me since he was three, almost 21 years old ,now adopted and like my very own son) he is a wonderful young man.

Now my sister is exhausted, drained, and whipped. She doesn’t want to put her foot down, she tells me “I am keeping the peace, by giving In.” I asked her “How has that been working out?” “It hasn’t” she says…and so it continues. The cycle has not been broken and of course this young girls life hangs by a thread. I feel sorry for all of them. I feel my sister is 100% responsible now, just as my mother was. Now with my sisters daughter…I feel she will do the same thing our mom did. The sad thing is that her daughter has never been taught the true skills of life. Hard work, Honesty, Compassion, Respect and Responsibility. So now all that’s left is for my sister to Rescue her daughter and feel Guilty and die young. Leaving her children with the same legacy to someday pass onto their children and on and on.

No…it’s just one word, that can save an entire family a lifetime of chaos and heartbreak.

My daughter is getting married in four more days. The family is thrilled and very happy for all of them. I say “All” because it is my daughter, her fiance, and their soon to arrive, baby girl. At first my daughter was hesitant about getting married with the big bulge, but then after thoughts told her, no,that she was proud to share her marriage and this union of the man she loves and soon to be grandchild (The First one too!)with all her family and friends. She has known her fiance for almost 8 years, they both went through college together, and that’s how they met, that very first day. He graduated last year and is a wonderful teacher. She too has a terrific job and is going to graduate this year. She has a lot on her plate, planning the wedding,( a beautiful, simple garden/wedding/reception) working full time, 6 months pregnant and they have been searching like crazy for a home to buy. She also helps take care of her father’s bills and his money (he has Manic Depression), yes, we have all offered to help (we have been divorced for quite some time now, and I am re-married), but Katie seems to manage it all with stride. Does she get overwhelmed? Absolutely!, But I am most proud of the way she handles her decisions. When I was at the bridal shop with my daughter I saw the stares and the looks from others. Either the pretty skinny new brides to be, or the parents with their brows all tied in a knot. There was my Katie stepping out in this beautiful sweeping strapless empire dress, my eyes watered right away and my heart was bursting with awe. She only had to look at me and for that very second I knew my facial expressions meant everything to her. There was no one else in the store that day, oh there may have been people staring, gazing and casting judgments…but to me all I saw was my beautiful daughter, showered with pride and joy. I can’t wait to tell my grand daughter someday how proud I am of her mother. Her mother will tell her that she was no accident, just an earthly delight from love that came early. Katie told me, “I might not have planned this and maybe I won’t be the thin pretty bride all girls dream of….but as I feel my baby kick and squirm inside of me, I feel life…and the true meaning of love.” That says it all.

Some of my friends who don’t have sisters say they have missed out. I think they have too. However, we sisters are a strange pair. Sometimes we act like we are the best comfort and the best of friends. Yet, we can also barely recognize who that person is. As females we probably pretend and exaggerate more than men. We often expect a sister to always know when they should BE THERE and when they are not you feel sad and disappointed. I know that’s how I have felt and perhaps at times, still do.

What I have learned though is that the bigger picture has to be more important. Not just that life is short and we are all getting older, but that we must believe we all matter. Sisterhood, is a complicated relationship. It has the depth of the ocean and the force of the seas. But it also has the barren plains of the desert too. With your friends, you can choose whom to talk with and usually each of us has friends that fit our needs in many different ways. With family you are here. This is what they know about you, this is what they remember about you and sometimes family does not want you to change. Of course this is not always the case, but I think with women we rally only if we are there too, or going down the same path.

I had a very close friend when I was going through the process of my mother’s cancer and then her death. This friend was there ALL the time for me. She knew what to say and when I needed a phone call, and even when to pop by unexpectedly. That was a time when we were the best of friends. She and I were also sisngle parents and going through similar struggles. I relocated a couple cities away from her and after some time we just sort of drifted apart. We were in the same type of business so there was plenty we had in common, but even with all of that I felt the slowly emerging rift between us. It wasn’t because we didn’t still love or care for our friendship, but looking back it was because I started to slowly change my outlook on my life. We used to have those conversations that fed into our hard times as a single parent and the husbands who left us and our children.It was when we really needed each other and we stayed right there….brooding over our losses.

Then I started to emerge with a happier, more optimistic attitude. I even lost a ton of weight and started walking 4-5 miles every evening after work. I enrolled in my community college at night and started really living my life without complaints.So this is what changed our friendship. She wasn’t happy for me, I feel because she wasn’t growing beyond our past. It was 6 years later when we caught up again. We met at a restaraunt and it was very sad…there was an immediate change in her behavior and was very stand-offish, and yet she is the one who put this meeting together. We chatted about our children, her four, my five. I was always very overweight, and for the first time I wasn’t. I told her about the my weight loss program (salads, yogurt and slim fast) and about meeting some very nice men through an online dating service. I bought myself aused convertible and loved my life. She started making cracks about how I will only find losers for dates and that I shouldn’t go through those online services. I sat and listened as everything she said became negative and stale. About two hours later, I said I had to leave, and it was nice seeing her again. I told her I wish her all the best and she said can we meet like this once a month? I was sad to feel this way but I said “well maybe, we will just have to see how that time will work out”> I knew I would not go out of my way to meet again. i loved her from my past and I valued what we had as friends. But, i need to stay hopeful and happy and believe that we can make this choice every day.

So back to my sisters, some friends fill voids where sisters may fall short, but they will always be there for you. Maybe some envy will come and go, but the bottome line is they wish you happiness and love it when you are. Sisters come full circle, now that we are older. A friend, our family and they know the history of our lives.

As a parent we all know someday we may be a grandparent. Well, here I am in Nevada and I got that wonderful phone call from my firstborn daughter. It’s not how I had imagined….it was even better! Yes, here I am another fumbling, mumbling mishmash of emotions…mother. My heart sang with joy when I heard my daughter’s words….but I really felt like fireworks were shooting right out of my heart. I am the mother of five, and I can’t wait to be the grandmother or five (or more!). I know how wonderful being a parent is and the overwhelming joy and love one has for their own child ( children). I am so thrilled to see my daughter carry her first child…the belly swelling,the feet swelling, and all those not so fun side effects…morning sickness and awful food smells. But the truth is, the second that your new baby is placed in your arms…that’s it….no memory of discomfort or ill effects. Soon it will be all about this miracle of life lying in your arms, cradled in love and covered with tears of joy. I am so proud to be a grandma soon, and more proud of the new mommy my daughter soon will be. She will have the wisdom of her mom and grandma and the patience of a saint. More importantly she will feel the love and adoration for her baby that only a mother can experience. Nothing will ever compare to this feeling, to this joy, to this miracle. This baby will be a gift for our entire family and a lifetime of wonder and awe. Katie…..this is for you, my own precious daughter (yes, one of two) about to have your own precious child….my heart is bursting with delight for you and Raul! Now we will wait with you and be there every step of the way. You are loved. All of you are loved. Love your Mother.xoxox

Usually this time of year gets everyone excited. We all have our calendars filled with dinners and gatherings. There is the shopping, the gift wrapping and the baking. The lists of things to get and to do are long. The economy is spiraling down and the expenses are spiraling up. The credit card dream, now has become a nightmare. I say now is the perfect time to forget all those things you THINK you have to do and just enjoy your family. Forget about getting everything on those Christmas list’s, and just buy one thing for each child….one item for each family….now isn’t the time to pretend our wallets looked like it did last year. Show each other and your children what this season is really about. I am not talking religion, but if that’s your only message, than that’s fine too. I am talking about the spirit of giving to others, to be caring and have a loving heart. Bake for a family…one whole dinner, from the main dish to the dessert. Buy a family a movie pass….Purchase a grocery gift card, for a family….you don’t need to buy every individual a gift…group it together and give something practical and meaningful at the same time. When I was a younger, struggling, single mom, a grocery card was like winning the lottery to me…a movie pass for all of us was such a treat…..fixing a baked meal was so appreciated….or put some money into a gift card for a family. Now isn’t the time to out do each other but to do FOR each other. Let’s help teach our children that we can have the most beautiful Christmas season without all the expensive trappings. I am reminded of all those family’s out there who have lost someone and are not a “whole” family for these holidays….so remember how important it is to share your Christmas and all the holidays with all of your family members. In my house, we decorated and loved having the house filled with baked goodies and family meals. There were no presents until my last payday which was usually the day before christmas….and then I rushed to the store to get one or two items for each of my kids….So, our whole month leading up to that moment was filled with love and hope and the spirit of the season….being with family, feeling grateful, and having faith in hopes and dreams. To this day, this is still what Christmas means to me and my family…..Merry Christmas to all….

When my kids were younger, maybe around 5 or 6 years old I started writing a chore list. It was important to me to have my kids understand this house is for all of us to take care of. It also was important for me to teach them to value their home. We were not well off by any means, but I took great pride in respecting our space and taking care of it. I was not a neat nick type person, I didn’t mind occasional clutter, but my kids knew to pick up after themselves. Chores like laundry and mopping and raking and dusting and the dishes were all assigned to them every Saturday morning. When they were very young I started with the simple chores of (trying) to clean their own rooms and pick up their own toys/clothes and empty their room trashcan. Then as they got older it was taking turns doing the dishes, mopping the floors, vacuming yard work etc. When your kids are very young they love helping in the yard. Certainly as they get older this chore gets more responsible and less fun, but it’s done.

My oldest son mowed the lawns and the younger ones would rake the leaves. Every Saturday morning after breakfast and some favorite cartoon shows the chores began. I wrote a list for each child and it was all spelled out which chore or chores each of them had to do. If their neighbor friends or school friends called, the standard response was “after my chores, I can play”. I know how important this teaching was because now with my kids so much older I see how it has paid off. This is also a core value, right up there with respect and manners and building good character traits. Too many children are not taught to do chores, and they grow up not caring for or respecting anything that is bought for them. They can’t because they have no sense of pride with their contribution toward their family’s home. It isn’t about money and allowance it’s also about instilling pride and responsibility in their value system. I was too poor to pay my kids an allowance, but I treated them to things every now and then that I know they could use or that they needed. It was more important for me to teach them that chores are supposed to be their part in taking care of our home and our family space. You don’t always get paid for this, it is just something we must all do as a family. Sure when they got older there were days when I just closed their own bedroom door. It was their mess, not mine. If our living areas, bathrooms and kitchen was cleaned that was more important to me. When they got older, if they wanted a messier room then they had to live with that. I tried not to stress about it too much. Eventually they would have their big cleaning day, because they needed to find a certain article of clothing that was probably buried in a huge stack of clothes.

These Saturday chore days lasted right up until all my kids moved out. If I had the funds I might have paid them a weekly allowance, but I didn’t. Instead I praised their hard work and job well done. I even witnessed the pride in themselves for their hard work. I guess in the end, that was the best lesson for them to learn. You have to pick up your own stuff, nobody should be your maid.You have to respect your living space no matter what type of home you have. I hope every family has a “Saturday chore day”….it’s a tool to help your children for the rest of their lives.

It seems when you are a kid you view your parent’s health in only one dimension…invincible. I remember feeling that way when I was younger. My father was always a hard working blue collar provider. He worked six days a week and never, (let me YELL this out,) ever complained. Unlike how many of us are today, we gripe about too many things. Life is not fair. It is not always easy. I think people have forgotten that concept.

When my parents were ill, it changed forever the way I remembered them. I know that sounds obvious, but I never thought of my parent’s health when I was very young. You just knew they were going to be around forever, live for a very, very long time. They just were there and did the same things and life was always happening around us, because of them. They were loving and thoughtful parents and you could easily talk with them anytime. They were not materialistic people and I now cherish that more than ever. What was life like back then, when people came over for coffee and just visited?

I had a life altering surgery in 2007, and my life too changed it’s course in ways I would not have expected. Great things happened like getting married and having new in-laws/great grandparents (which I so dearly miss). However, tough things happened too, like never being able to work at what I loved doing, all my life. The biggest change came when I lost my house due to my unemployment and had to move far away from my own kids. That was very hard to do. So, I adjusted and had to regroup and look ahead. I know my story is not as devastating as someone with a terminal illness or loss of limbs. I can’t use my body the way I used to, their are severe limitations. I can’t laugh out loud and sing the way I used to, but I can speak, just quietly. My own kids knew I was told I needed this surgery but none of us realized my life would be changed so permanently. I am 53 and I was not prepared for such abrupt differences in my health. Yet, this is what life seems to do to us sometimes, brings us the unexpected.

You have to be a very optimistic person and be so grateful for what you have, the love of family and friends. You have to learn to be patient and accept some truths. Illnesses changes the dynamics of a family, you get scared then you get frustrated, then even angry. Then you learn to cope. My message on this post is to love your life, change your life, do something positive, and embrace where you are or where you need to go. It all can change in an instant. Tell your loved ones you love them and appreciate them and live your life being your best person. Be kind to others and treat one another with respect. Life is short. Feel happier. Give our kids those important “Life Lessons” and be real as a parent. Someday our children will be faced with a parent’s health crisis, and we as parents don’t need them to “fix” the situation, but we need them to be able to cope with maturity and love and compassion. This is why we need to teach them Life is not always fair and easy. You do not get everything you want, nor should you. Compassion and love will get you through these tough times. so please teach that to your children.

I adopted my nephew when he was ten years old. However, he has lived with us since he was around three. He is the birth child of my younger sister who has lived a life filled with drug addiction. I don’t know how many others have this experience of raising your sister or brothers child but I have been very blessed. I would have done this in a heartbeat.This young man was in need of a normal stable home life, from the moment he was born. Where he could count on sleeping in the same bed every night and not worry about being carted off to a strange place day in and day out. I was in the middle of separating from my husband, after many years of trying to live with the turbulence of Manic Depression. It was a difficult tough time in our lives, when I got that knock on my front door, I knew it was a new beginning. My mother always said when something is taken away, something new comes into your life to replace it. I already had four children to raise so one more to me was no different. I struggled to contain a somewhat decent relationship with my sister, (the term loosely comes to mind)  though she stayed angry and hostile towards me and everyone most of the time. I had to work hard to remind myself this was the “drug talking” and not her. She was so addicted to that horrible life and everyone she knew, all her so-called “friends” were in the same boat. On Jeremy’s 10th birthday I had a surprise party for him with some very special news. His adoption was final and he now belonged with our family and he was an official little brother to four of his other siblings. From that day on, he was never thought about or called nephew or cousin. Now he was proud to be called brother and SON.

I invited all our family and close friends to share in this wonderful news and he was the happiest boy that day! He just wanted to be like the other kids in school and in our neighborhood, belong to a family. We had many social workers come and go through out these years, but I remained optimistic that this day would eventually come. The family courts do their best to give a parent plenty of time to regroup, get help, find a job and be vital to their child’s life. So after 8 years when my sister could not get a handle on a few of the corrections the court needed her to make it was official, and it was over. I will never forget the day our last social worker came over and had me sign Jeremy’s Birth Certificate…it was very bittersweet. There is no way another mother wants to put her name in a place that only belongs to the birth mom. That day will always haunt me, and I will always feel bad for my sister because that was the day, all parental rights were taken from her. Many years later, my sister and I talk on the phone, she has since had two other children and still struggles with her life. She has been sober for sometime now and I am very proud of her for that. But, as life goes her past will be a haunting reminder of things she will need to answer to and address as things come up. We, our family do not point any fingers, we want her to succeed and are proud of her changes. It will be an uphill struggle as she has a daughter that is about to start on the same path she herself started on many years ago.

She knows she has to be tough and set boundaries, but she is riddled with guilt and shame, and I feel badly for this. I pray for her to have strength, and patience. I love my family of five wonderful kids and I love my sister more for the son she had to let go. For now it’s a slow process to recovery but I am here for her as a sister and a friend.

In a world filled with uncertain times and mixed messages and frantic schedules there is peace in parenting. No…you say? There are the diapers, or the potty training, the colds to attend to and the laundry to do. Then when they are older the school schedules begin,  shoes and  clothes to buy, and the events to rush to. Then when high school comes there are bigger financial fees for activities or groups they belong to and the schedules get  even more hectic.

Finally when they go off to college, or perhaps take a full time job…maybe they have moved out, it all stops. No more schedules, or rush hours to get to an award ceremony. No more school picture deadlines, or baked cupcakes to share. It seems like it’s over in a flash. I don’t care if you have one child or five (like me) it all comes to an end. So enjoy these years while you diaper your infant and snuggle them under your chin. Enjoy that first crawl, or taking those first steps. Enjoy setting out guidelines and boundaries to ensure your child’s safety. Take time to read one more bedtime story, and giggle more often. Take your dinner outside and sit on a sheet. Lay down on a sleeping bag and watch the stars together. Bake more cookies with your toddler helpers. Squeeze more play dough shapes (besides it really is therapy) with your child. Listen to more stories about the elementary days of your kid. Listen more to the high school student, and observe where they still need you.

Of course we will always be in our children’s life, that won’t ever stop. But these days will. Parents we have this one section of time with our kids, try to enjoy it more and not with “things” or $$$$, no, it’s just about taking your time, and relishing these years. It can be hectic but bring back some harmony and peace to your days. Have a “beach day” and stay until dark. Whatever you choose smile and know that these days are getting shorter, one by one.

I was just reading a few articles regarding the truancy problems. Although I recognize this to be a very important matter, there seems to be something missing here.  I know I am in that “older” group now, but why are so many parents blaming the school system for their truant children? Why are these parents not taking more responsibility for their own kids? Look, I think schools and parents should work as a team and be supportive of one another.However, I do not think it is solely the school’s job to keep your kid on track. There are many wonderful devoted teachers who are there for you student during their work hours and often afterwards too. Remember they too have their families and their own agenda. I think it’s a copout to blame the school.There was a time when kids respected their parents more and never would be truant for fear of that unknown consequence. I believe the buck stops at home but perhaps it just feels better to put that into the schools’s lap. The kids are learning from mom and dad how to point fingers so others are to blame for their actions. They will never learn accountability. Set down your rules and boundaries and stick to them. Don’t let your kid come home and just hang out and chill in their room. How is this a consequence to their bad behavior and wrong choices? Perhaps have them write a letter to the parents about what they did and how they think they should correct it, one of the great deals that worked in my house. Or  have them fix dinner, rake up leaves and do the laundry are some other ideas. Don’t avoid the conversations because it gets too tiring to deal with, you are the parents, lead by example. If we teach our kids that we expect the best from them, they will try harder and then they will understand soon enough, that this is how the real world works too.