Parents Talking

As a mother and mother in law, I am finding myself treading this path very carefully. Of course I love my own children very much, and I have great faith in their choices and their way of parenting, and I also love my daughter and son in law too. Sometimes though, it can be very difficult, to refrain from making a comment. Of course I think it will be a helpful comment, or useful advice, but perhaps in their eyes, they might see that as a judgment or criticism. It’s not…it’s just older people spewing their bits of wisdom, and we do have some.

It’s not because I want to interfere, because I truly don’t, but being a Mother, a Grandmother and a former Daycare provider, I might have some experience that is helpful. Lord knows I could have used as much as possible when I was a younger parent too. Now I am older, and you know what that means: We have simply, lived longer. I wish my one grand daughter wore socks more often, and I wish my other grand daughter had a safety-gate in their main room. That’s not asking too much is it? Warmth and safety? How bad are those thoughts? What a terrible person that makes me….(I say giggling). Still, I see my grown children’s raised eyebrows, and their corner lip starts to curl, and I swear I’m hearing sighs. I have to smile and tell myself it’s okay, because I am older, wiser, and I have more experience, at least when it comes to raising babies, children and life.

Sometimes I think back when our parents commented and our in laws made suggestions, how did we answer? Oh yeah, we listened, and nodded our heads and said things like, “Oh yes, we were going to do that,” or “That’s a great idea,” even if we didn’t follow their advice, we were more courteous to the elders in our families, agree or disagree, it was all about being polite.

I have very well mannered kids, but their glances at me, start me chuckling. They used to know the right way to answer me when they were younger…”Oh, Okay mom, I will do that for you,” or this answer was a good one too…”Oh mom, were you asking ME?, I didn’t know that, okay, sure I will.”  It sounded good to my ears (and they all knew that) and in that moment, it gave me peace of mind. Have they forgotten how to play that game? Has it really been that long? Yes, they are all grown up now and having their own families, and just like everyone else, they too, can be very sensitive to constructive criticism. I am a mother first, probably always will feel this way, even though my youngest is already twenty-three. I am just a mom who has raised five children and scores of others. What do I really know? “Plenty,” I say…mumbling to myself. (i hear that’s what you do when you get older, mumble to yourself…it’s cool).

My mother died when my oldest son was a sophomore in high school. I miss our conversations and laughing spells about people and life. She was gullible, and a push over and always believed tomorrow would be a better day. I inherited some of those traits. I am gullible, but only in humorous situations, not about what kids can get in to. I also believe tomorrow will be a better day, because I am optimistic about life, in general. She was a very loving parent although she rarely set boundaries, and stood her ground. I do stand my ground, and I have seen the positive results from doing that. Still I miss her advice. I have wanted to hear her thoughts, ideas and comments, every day since she has passed away. History repeats itself. My children and I are very close, and though some of this writing is humorous, someday, I know they too, will miss me a great deal, when I go. (I really dislike that phrase, “when I go.”)

At least we crack each other up and have silly spells where I can hardly catch my breath. Oh that’s another thing…isn’t it amazing how wonderful a belly laughing spell can make you feel? It’s so therapeutic.

One thing I should have been more strict about was to teach my kids to send thank you cards. My mother was a believer of that too, although as a general rule us kids were not. I told my kids how important that was to do. I bought thank you cards for them, but refused to write them. It was rare for any of them to send a thank you card. Though they are and were, very appreciative children, always said their “thank you’s” right away. They just never got into the habit of sending them, and I still think today, this is a very important, mannerly gesture. It’s the ultimate recognition to someone who has sent, or given you something. It is the truest acknowledgment of manners. It seems nowadays, the younger people (oh man, I am sounding old) feel a verbal “thank you,” or a reminder by text or email is sufficient.

So for now, I try to watch my comments, and I mean, I REALLY do try, and yet the older side of me feels, “too bad, they are young now, and it’s their turn to listen to older, wiser and more experienced parents.”

The best part of this, is that they are truly loving parents to their children, and for that, I sleep well every night! The other part is, I am not the one raising these children anymore. As a grandmother, I get to read books, take walks, play at the beach, go to the park, get them burgers, fries and ice cream, and play “Gramma” in the best sense of the word. I love that title. Never imagined being a grandmother could feel so special!

Parenthood, can be overwhelming. It can be a rat race with hectic work schedules, and juggling how much quality family time you can squeeze into a day, and still get everything done before bedtime. Then if your lucky, and if you can still keep your eyes open, you might have a decent, uninterrupted conversation together. Ahh, all those years of parenting, and now look at me, it’s gone by in a flash! (It only took 20)years….

I am good for now, and I keep smiling. I stay positive and optimistic about my new role in these growing, family relationships. You see, I know my own children, they are loving, smart, funny, hard working, who can also be sensitive, cranky, and overtired…life and parenting can do that to you. I love them all, but I still think one little girl should wear socks more often, (it makes me worry because she might get frozen toes) and the other little girl needs a safety-gate put up at home, (it makes me worry, that she will fall, and I will have to restrain myself from saying, “I knew that would happen.”)

Other than that, life is really good. It’s now their turn to fret and worry, and be exhausted, and ask each other “who’s doing the dishes tonight? Or who is doing the laundry?”  Now they are learning to juggle early morning wake up calls diaper duty, and feeding their little bundles. I will always want to be there for them, with reassuring words, a hug and remind them that “tomorrow will be a better day.” I will always wish Grandma was there to help out, even if I do make certain comments….just to grab that little nap, (the ones I can take all day long). I probably wouldn’t know what that was like, to be so busy and run down, and pray for one weekend that wasn’t filled with “things to do, and places to go.” I remember. I had five children in my household. I just learned to say “No” more often. We invited family and friends over to our home, and we visited more, and let the kids play. We had more people around us back then, and drank coffee with friends and family. The kids played outside as we sat there chatting, and watching them. We hung out in our neighborhoods, on our front lawns, people are afraid to do that now. We liked hanging in our backyards more than younger couples seem to do today. Everybody has to be on the go, all the time. Their houses close in on them so fast. Maybe it’s society, maybe it’s the culture, or the rat race, but it’s okay not to be so busy.

Water the lawn the old fashioned way, plant some flowers or a new tree. Sit in a porch swing and watch your children play and have fun… See, Grandma really does know a thing or two.

You never think twice about the loyalty of your “good” friends, until a big change happens in your life. In my case, it was my “new life.” I found a great man to share my life with after being a single mom for over 14 years. I fell in love with this man, the head over heels kind of love that you only see in true movie magic! Most of my friends were thrilled for me and very supportive. However, my closest friend, lacked the same enthusiasm. She has witnessed my life’s story and has seen the new changes in me with falling in love again, after so many years. I did not change to be with a man, I added this man to my life. At first I thought it was, like some of my older kids, just feeling hesitant about “losing Me.” I never had one encouraging discussion about my new-found happiness. It’s as if, this was a new person that did not know me for 30 years, not my dear friend, who should be happy for me.

Friends are interesting creatures…they are 100% there for you in times of trouble, and despair, but how good are they when there is reason to celebrate? I have a handful of really good friends, and three I could tell my deepest secrets to…but I will always be surprised and even disappointed when someone you are counting on, let’s you down. I have just recently published my first book, and I have had many mixed reactions to this news. By far, most of it has been very encouraging and positive.  This was a turning point for me to realize that the “things” that happen in our lives is for ourselves, it is our reason to celebrate, no one else. This milestone is mine.

Friendships are funny, like the relationships between sisters. Some are very close and celebrate your accomplishments for life, while others are guarded and too stubborn to acknowledge any triumph. I would love to have the encouragement and support from everyone that I care for, but I can live without that too. The mere mention of this post is a reminder for myself, not to take life too seriously, don’t take it so personal, and to remember, that is not for me to judge. I would hope that eventually, she might say something, so I go “there.” I have taught children all of my life, to be kind and to talk nice to their friends. I have taught scores of kids to be compassionate and treat each other with manners and respect. I remember what a great friend she has always been to me and my family, so I need to go “there.” I also need to remember that I cannot control how or what people say and do. I can control what I say or do. I will remember great, long years of a wonderful friendship, that was reciprocal and loving. I wished my “good friend” was able to show her support and friendship in a more positive light. Until then, I must remember those we love and care about, are just human, and we are all flawed. I don’t want to believe that there would be any negative feelings here, so I must practice what I have preached to children for many years. Treat others, as you want to be treated. The End

It can be awkward getting back into the dating scene. Suddenly you feel out of place or out of touch with relationship stuff. If you have been working full time, (which I assume, most single parents do) and raising children, and trying to juggle events, activities and family gatherings, you wonder what is left for me to give?

Plenty! It might be difficult for you to see that now, but there are many good men out there who feel the very same way as you. They don’t have all the right moves or the best fashion sense. Yet, they are out there. Some have wonderful personalities that can light up a room, others have the quiet elusive charm that might balance your hectic life. While others still, are just waiting to meet someone who wants to settle down and have a great family life too.

I was in my late 40′s when I started dating again. I had worked very hard on losing over 100 pounds, all for myself. Not for any man, or other person, just me. I believe my 40′s were my “taking back of Laurie” days…taking risks, changing ideas and rediscovering what was most important, that I was more than just a daughter, wife (ex) sister, friend and mother…I was all of these and more!

I took dance lessons at a local dinner club, went back to night school, started writing again, and finally after all the different “family type” cars, I got myself my very first convertible! I loved my new sense of feeling a wee bit selfish. I have raised five children and attended to all the functions and appointments and responsibilities that were needed, all with love and pride. Now it was my time, to give to me. My weight loss made me feel alive with energy and optimism. Whether I found that good guy or not, personally, I was happier than I had been in years!

Although my kids were older when I started dating, I still felt there were standards to live by. Nobody came home with me after the date was over, nor did I invite anyone to family gatherings unless I felt they were “special” and future material. I feel kids already have lost someone special in their lives, the other parent. Why confuse them with different men in and out of their home, when nothing is real, permanent or valued? My family meant so much to me, I never wanted to cheapen their view of what a healthy relationship should look like.

It is fine to date and search for that great guy. He is out there, and just remember you are worthy of a loving, happy and healthy relationship, and most importantly, so are your children!

I have just completed my first book. My life’s experiences with running my own home based Family daycare, and offering some helpful tips on parenting. I have worked on this project for over five years, jotting down notes here and there. Putting my ideas on paper and rewriting everything. I had this idea to write about childcare and parenting advice from all the families through the years who urged me on. It’s a funny thing when you write about parts of your life. It’s a lot like looking in a mirror and seeing your reflection. My goal was to complete this book and start on a new one right away, and I have.

Setting a goal for me is a reminder to keep moving and be present. As I look at my life through the pages of my book, it tells me I have much to learn and more to grow. All of us have our stories, and our experiences to share, but you have to want to share them with others. Maybe my story won’t be of interest to everyone, but if just one single mother out there says to herself, “I am not alone, and I can do this too”…then it’s rewarding in itself. We all can be of more help to one another by sharing our lives and our stories. There is a phrase from an older song: “One mans ceiling, is another mans floor.”

I am just beginning my journey into my writings. I have much to learn and I am an eager student. Right when if you think, one door closes, just wait, and another door opens. I am a true optimist. It got me through raising my family and our rough times. It got me through the end of a marriage and the loss of my parents. Optimism, is a choice. It can be what delivers you from despair to triumph.

My new goal: To be open, to explore, and be creative. To live my life with the understanding that I have much more to learn and never, ever stop believing in ME!

I was born and raised in CA all of my life. I was married in 1977 to a good man, however he was soon to be diagnosed with Manic/Depression, or Bi Polar as they now call it. His illness grew increasingly more difficult to manage, and it became obvious I had to make some important changes. After many years of counseling and trying to work things through, we were divorced. I raised our five children on my own, as a single parent. I never dated or went out with other men for many years. I just felt my life was busy enough with my children and my Family Home childcare business. We had our struggles, but we also had each other.

Many years later, I met and fell in love with a great guy and we both felt very lucky to have found love again after 50! He lived in Nevada and every weekend he drove his motorcycle to California to see me. I got out of my comfort zone, my safety zone and had the best time riding along Pacific Coast Highway on the back of his bike. I climbed out of my comfort zone and threw myself into a new life! I was still the same Mom, and Childcare Provider, just a new lease on my own personal life. My girls were very hesitant about my new relationship, and my sons all but my youngest one, were a bit reserved. I told myself, this was a wonderful thing! He loved my kids, (or we would never be together) he loved me and showered me with love, affection, and companionship. We had so much fun together, and both of us felt incredibly lucky!

Later I had a surgery that I never fully recovered from. It was devastating and I was unable to return to the work I have always loved. He asked me to marry him in 2007 and I was thrilled. I moved away from California and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. My kids and I were a tight knit group and have gone through so much together. This was not an easy thing to do. I knew I was only four hours away, but it wasn’t like they could stop by for a cup of coffee or have dinner with us on a whim. You have to plan for this trip, even if it only takes four hours to get here. I never wanted to live away from my children and I have never lived outside of CA.
I wanted to have my kids stop by and visit and share in our lives. All of my life I have cared for other families children and finally now after all these years my children have their new babies. We have a great time together, sharing our family stories and memories. I will always wish I was only twenty minutes away, but I know they are glad I am happy too.

I take some comfort hearing from friends whose children have moved away or they have themselves. They share their stories about how they make the best of it all, too. There is no script in life. Houses come and go, cars come and go, people come and go, except you have to work very hard to make that constant connection. I adore my kids and their babies, my family of siblings and I think about them all the time. I feel they know that too.

I will always wish for the sound of one of my kids cars pulling in the driveway. I will always want to see them at our front door, ready for a good old fashioned “mom meal” and cup of coffee. For now, I will settle for planning our trips, and waking up to a good pot of coffee, with our family, babies laughter and great big hugs.

I raised my own children to be understanding and tolerant of all people. I never remember during their childhood, that this concept applied to a select few. I prided myself on giving my kids the benefit of knowing that we are not the only kind in our world. Now, of course, looking back our world, meant this country that we live in. We were not travelers, so I never really thought about making the distinction to all the different nations, worldwide. Yet, I know in my heart, that was exactly what I meant. No matter who it is or where they came from, we are all people. We all share different cultures and different backgrounds, and different family traditions. However, I believe that mothers all around the world love and care for their child with the same heart.

My children in our family have spouses and partners of different ethnic backgrounds. I am proud that as a family we all have embraced our newest members, and try very hard to understand and communicate together. It is not always easy, it is not always the right translation, but we keep trying. I feel that this is how our grandchildren will be raised. Knowing that we are all in one big happy family. There will be no color or facial distinctions made, until someone else will point that out to them. There will be no surprises from their parents when it will be explained to them, why they look different.

When I was a young girl, I remember the stories about our immigrant ancestors, and how they risked their lives, and their safety to come to America, for a better opportunity and future. I also remember hearing about their plight to quickly learn the English language and work hard to become a U.S. citizen. To them, it was an honor and a privaledge. I love that our country has welcomed so many immigrants to this land, but I also see that in order to work, own land, vote and pay taxes…you must become a citizen. I know in my own family, my oldest son’s wife is from Japan. She also speaks English and got her degree at UCLA, shortly after that, they met and fell in love. My son helped her with the paperwork, and the tedious job of doing what was necessary for her to live here. She still keeps her family traditions and has much love and pride for her homeland. She misses her country and loves and respects her roots as well. However, she knows that the paperwork, the fees and the efforts is the right way to be in another country. They are married now and have their first child. Her mother has come over from Japan to help out and is taking English classes two days a week, to understand her new environment better. To me that shows respect and insight.  My other son has a Chinese girlfriend. They also met through school. She has a school visa and will return to China for a visit soon. She will be there for 2 months and told us she will have to wait in a line, like everyone else that could take all day long, just to hear a less than one minute speech about checking the proper paperwork. She knows it is important to do what is right, and to go through the proper channels. She also speaks English very well, as her parents in China told her to learn that in school before she came to the States. She will be doing all the right paperwork so that she can return back to the U.S.

My daughter’s in laws are from Mexico. They have been here for almost thirty years. They are loving, kind and hard working people. The mother does not speak English well at all.  The father speaks the language fairly well. He has worked in construction most of his life. His wife is a lovely person, a wonderful grandmother, but she apparently never thought it necessary enough to learn English. I personally don’t understand that, and sorry to say, I think that is a shame. I could never imagine living in Mexico or for that matter, any other country and not learning their language when I have lived there for thirty years! I want to embrace who we have in our family, and I do. As far as people go, I don’t think I am a better person, but I do feel it says much about that person, not wanting to fit in, or belong. I also feel that it sends the wrong message to your children, since all of their children were  born here in the United States too.

So, I understand  when others have their reservations, or indifferences about immigration.  I also understand that we need to have standards that can keep doors open to our country but only if you are willing to go through the steps in becoming a citizen. It is only fair, and I would expect the same should apply to me, if I choose to work and live in their country too.

The bottom line is this: I want our whole family to continue to live with tolerance and understanding, peace in their hearts and love for others. I wish for all my grandchildren to help continue with this life long mantra. We are just one person, on an Earth that is huge, but in the Universe, we are just a dot. We need to be kind, and be compassionate, but also to live within the laws. I don’t want anarchy, I believe none of us want that either. I want all of us to live with manners, respect, and compassion for all people. But, we also have to live by the rules. This is how we teach our children, and we grown ups should do the same!

I miss my own mother so much more now that I am a grandmother. I wonder how my mom felt seeing most of her children becoming parents too. It’s easy to love your grandchildren, because you see your own child in those beautiful eyes that smile back at you. I will read to my grandkids and let them roll out play dough, fingerpaint, make tents with sheets and blankets, have many picnics, take many trips to the beach (of course I have to travel from NV to CA), help them learn to cook and take nature walks to help them discover their world. I may not be walking too great, but I can still walk holding onto the stroller and that’s all I need. I am thrilled to be a grammy and be there for my kids with any advice and wisdom I can bring. For now, I have two grandchildren and I know many more to come. My kids are wonderful, loving parents and both really wish they could be home with their own babies. I think both parents truly understand all the sacrifices and trade offs you have to make when you work full time and have to leave your child. Fortunately, for both parents their mother in-laws are lucky enough to be the full time care giver. The costs for childcare are soaring and when I was a licensed daycare provider I kept my rates very low compared to what people are charging now. Life is hard for younger parents because financially, society expects two incomes. Back when we raised our children we made a firm decision not to expect to have much and so there were less expectations, less pressure to compare and compete. We were very happy in those early years, though we ended in divorce, it was a wonderful time watching our kids grow.  As a grandma I want to remind my kids to relax more and live in the moment. For my grandkids, I want to share with them  that each and every day life is a great adventure. Children remind you not to take life seriously and hugs and smiles can heal the world.    

The other night on the news there was a story about a young woman who was killed by some repeat sex offender. She was jogging in a park, an area she was very familiar with and enjoying her run when she was attacked and  murdered. This story reminded me of how my own daughters love to exercise and run and often do this alone. My younger daughter called me the other night and we were talking about all the sad news stories that she had heard on her car radio going to work. A nine month old baby found dead in a trash can, that upon examination was a very healthy baby. I thought of the families who would give their right arm to be parents, and the baby who just needed to be loved. Then this story of the young female jogger. Where is our safety net for our children anymore? Is it gone for good? As parents we can only protect them so much, and when they leave our home, we pray for strength and safety. We can remind them of the dangers out there, warn them, counsel them and guide them, but that’s it. My husband feels that every girl or woman of any age should not only walk or run without a buddy, but also should have a big dog with them. I am all for getting a good, large, loyal dog for every female. Sorry gals, but the purse size dogs aren’t the best choice here. You want the breed that will scare, intimidate, and attack strangers on your behalf. I am so sick and tired of hearing about these good for nothing predators who are cowards and get their kicks by being so evil. They don’t deserve to have any rights at all. Once they have committed this kind of crime, they should lose all their rights. To me, you took someone’s life away, the same goes for you! I have five children and I know when I was growing up, we had our bad stories too, but it just seems like criminals were dealt with in a swift, harsh manner, compared to what they get a way with today. I fear for the safety of young girls and women all over. Please walk or run with a buddy, and next time take the great big dog….and just maybe the next monster/predator will think twice before the next assault. You could be safer, more protected, and alive. My heart goes out to all the families of these tragedies and I pray for all those courageous angels up there.

I have been listening to a family member who tells me he and his ex are paying for all the expenses for their son. It’s not that it is my personal business, because it’s not. However, these parents are not wealthy and they live paycheck to paycheck…and their son is in his late twenties. It isn’t about whether this is a great kid or not but rather whose responsibility should this be? Now remember, I was a single mom of five. There is no way I could even entertain that idea for any of my children. I was able to help with a parent plus loan for one of my kids when she left after high school to go away to college. I was able to help contribute towards her education, and the interst rate is very low and we all know you can’t get a better rate for student loans than through the government loan programs.

However, I did not pay for a car, rent, or living expenses. My daughter also worked full time and juggled her schooling around her work hours. Paying $36.00 a month didn’t break my wallet.  I believe as Suze Ormund says that parents should not pay for their kids college education, especially if the parents don’t have that kind of money! If your kids want to go badly enough, they will have to figure it out. Ms. Ormund worked two jobs to get through her education…and she managed to get her degree. My other older children are paying for their school expenses and they are almost finished with their degree.  If you are wealthy and money is no object, then I guess that is your choice. Still I wonder how are we teaching our grown children that these choices must be theirs to own. I feel they will have more pride and respect for all that hard work and efforts that went into attaining their goal. FFT  ( Food for Tought) 

In 2009 we had the thrill of having two new baby girls welcomed into our family! My oldest daughter Katie’s first born Alani, and my oldest son Brian’s first born Azumi (Amy). It is a wonderful time for a mother to catch those glimpses of your son in Fatherhood. Brian was a young boy when his father and I divorced. You never know what scars are left by this, sometimes it seems subtle, other times it can feel like a steam roller. As a single mom, (all the children lived with me and on my income only) you want to instill the values, morals and life lessons that you know are important to help your kids grow into good people. I wrote about how amazing it was to see my daughter as a mother, and it is just as awesome to see your son as a father! The look on his face, the brow that creases with worry if he can provide enough for his new family, the pride in holding his baby girl. It’s a gift to be an observer of this.  My kids all work hard and provide for themselves, but they also don’t make money their highest priority. To me that is refreshing, especailly since nowadays our kdis can make double the salary the parents used to make! Brian talks about how important it is to him to let his wife be home with the baby until she is maybe two years old. He feels bad they have to worry about going back to work too soon. He sees the value and importance of time with the baby and not being able to get that back. He knows the baby won’t remember, but he says he will. Whatever lies ahead for them, their decisions, the search to find the best balance, I am proud to see the role of being a father came so naturally for him. I am most proud to know that his family and their happiness in what is most important. He will be a great role model for his family and his children, something that many parents seem to forget to do in these times….Lead by example