Parents Talking

THERE IS A LONG STORY TO MY SISTER’S LIFE. There were years of worrying about her and wondering if she was alright. My parents were wonderful loving people, but they could not set boundaries for our younger sister. Oh, by the way she is now 45 years old. I do love my sister and wish her well, but I no longer worry over her life the way I used to. I suppose it is because I had enough of all those years when our family lived in such chaos. The fear that her screaming, yelling, shouting, hitting and her famous SCENES would pop up at any minute.What a Life! Our mother always believed that if she gave in or helped her “This One Last Time”, then my sister PROMISED she would stop, or try harder and be BETTER. That never happened.

My parents were older with the birth of my younger sister. Both of their first spouses died, and they wanted to bridge the gap of blending our families with another baby. They had six children to raise on one income and dad worked six days a week. They were great, loving people. However, they could never say the word… NO ! She got into trouble at a very young age. Running away, hitch hiking when she was only 13, sleeping around, drugs and fights. She had anger on her face and grudges against everyone. She was the Master of Manipulation and always played the VICTIM. Why do I write about this now?  Karma is a strange thing, and I guess the tables have turned. Now her oldest and only daughter, just turning 16, has been giving her nothing but trouble. I got a phone call from my sister telling me about their latest CHAOTIC EVENT IN THEIR HOME. Her daughter used profanity when she answered her mom and my sister told her she wanted her cell phone. That started another battle and it went on with the daughter hitting, kicking, screaming at both parents and threatening to call the police. She didn’t have to, the neighbors did. When the officers arrived my sister explained it was all over her daughter swearing and mom trying to take away her cell phone. The officers told my sister “well, we understand how that goes,so is everyone alright here?” This is just a small example of how distressed her life is. On a daily basis this type of outbreak can happen.Their home is now filled with the same fear of her daughter that we all grew up in…exploding tempers, rages and making everyone feel nervous, sick to their stomach and exhausted, Why is it that those same people who acted out in such a horrible way themselves, are the first to wonder WHY this is happening to them?

My sister tells me how volatile and unstable her daughter is. Yet it was my sister who took her daughter to the clinic and put her on the PILL. Don’t confuse being safe, with giving permission to become sexually active to a  12 year old girl too soon. Instead of discipline, boundaries, and many discussions about the consequences of having sex too young, she just takes her to the clinic. Like going to the mall together? There were no dating rules or times set down for this young girl, who by the way is with a guy who is 5 years older than she is…and mom gave her permission for that too. She tells me, he is a nice guy and makes good grades….what? Dear Lord!

Now my sister is having her doubts, and wonders why? She too is following the same path my mother did for her. Avoidance and denial. It doesn’t work that well. She lives in fear of her daughter’s temper and rage. The cause of all this? The root of the problems? My sister’s chaotic and unstable life all along the way while her children were little. Her kids saw horrible things and lived in places that were not safe. I understand why her daughter is lashing out, many people were taken from her because of my sisters lifestyle. It is the most selfish thing a parent can do, take away loved ones from a child’s life, because you forgot to stay “CLEAN”, or You forgot to get tested by a certain date, or You forgot to stop using drugs. YOU FORGOT TO BE A PARENT AND YOU FORGOT YOUR CHILDREN.

When my sister was young..our parents worked hard and had six children to feed and clothe. My younger sister was given everything at a very early age.The rest of us were two years apart, she was seven years younger than me. I felt like her mother many times. Even when I was young I even knew she needed to be told “NO.” My sister’s life was screwed up because my parents (mom especially) could not stand their ground, set down the house rules, enforce them and teach her to follow them. So for the rest of my mother’s life, (and she was a wonderful mom to us and a loving grandmother) but she was on a MISSION to save my younger sister. To RESCUE her. No matter what, she was there for her. When others said “it’s time to put your foot down and say no” she would say “Oh but she promised me, this time”. She believed it. My sister knew just what to say and how our mother would react. Druggies are great manipulators.

So now, it has come full circle. Our mom died at the height of my sister’s sad life. A great loss for us all. My gosh my sister even came late to our mom’s funeral and on top of that she was HIGH. Now she is facing the same challenges and gives in to her daughter’s temper tantrums all the time. Her daughter gets whatever she wants and when my sister tries to say NO, the fighting and screaming and raging fits start all over again. My sister says she doesn’t remember her screaming and making mom scared of her rage. Ironic. Now she is frightened of her own child, who always threatens her mom and dad with calling the authorities on them if they raise their hand or voice. She inherited those manipulated genes. I am sure she witnessed first hand how manipulation works.
The first chain started because rules weren’t laid down and obeyed. There was no respect from my sister to our parents. No guidelines. No boundaries. Life was hellish. Now my sister’s rules aren’t laid down and certainly not obeyed. All because one parent decided to give in to a child’s temper tantrums. This is why parents need to set down rules and guidelines. This is why parents need to be consistent and follow through. My mother never did any drugs in her life, but because there was no structure and rules set down for my sister to follow she ran amok and lived a life that has cost her dearly. She already has lost one child permanently, (he has been with me since he was three, almost 21 years old ,now adopted and like my very own son) he is a wonderful young man.

Now my sister is exhausted, drained, and whipped. She doesn’t want to put her foot down, she tells me “I am keeping the peace, by giving In.” I asked her “How has that been working out?” “It hasn’t” she says…and so it continues. The cycle has not been broken and of course this young girls life hangs by a thread. I feel sorry for all of them. I feel my sister is 100% responsible now, just as my mother was. Now with my sisters daughter…I feel she will do the same thing our mom did. The sad thing is that her daughter has never been taught the true skills of life. Hard work, Honesty, Compassion, Respect and Responsibility. So now all that’s left is for my sister to Rescue her daughter and feel Guilty and die young. Leaving her children with the same legacy to someday pass onto their children and on and on.

No…it’s just one word, that can save an entire family a lifetime of chaos and heartbreak.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS