Parents Talking

When my kids were younger, maybe around 5 or 6 years old I started writing a chore list. It was important to me to have my kids understand this house is for all of us to take care of. It also was important for me to teach them to value their home. We were not well off by any means, but I took great pride in respecting our space and taking care of it. I was not a neat nick type person, I didn’t mind occasional clutter, but my kids knew to pick up after themselves. Chores like laundry and mopping and raking and dusting and the dishes were all assigned to them every Saturday morning. When they were very young I started with the simple chores of (trying) to clean their own rooms and pick up their own toys/clothes and empty their room trashcan. Then as they got older it was taking turns doing the dishes, mopping the floors, vacuming yard work etc. When your kids are very young they love helping in the yard. Certainly as they get older this chore gets more responsible and less fun, but it’s done.

My oldest son mowed the lawns and the younger ones would rake the leaves. Every Saturday morning after breakfast and some favorite cartoon shows the chores began. I wrote a list for each child and it was all spelled out which chore or chores each of them had to do. If their neighbor friends or school friends called, the standard response was “after my chores, I can play”. I know how important this teaching was because now with my kids so much older I see how it has paid off. This is also a core value, right up there with respect and manners and building good character traits. Too many children are not taught to do chores, and they grow up not caring for or respecting anything that is bought for them. They can’t because they have no sense of pride with their contribution toward their family’s home. It isn’t about money and allowance it’s also about instilling pride and responsibility in their value system. I was too poor to pay my kids an allowance, but I treated them to things every now and then that I know they could use or that they needed. It was more important for me to teach them that chores are supposed to be their part in taking care of our home and our family space. You don’t always get paid for this, it is just something we must all do as a family. Sure when they got older there were days when I just closed their own bedroom door. It was their mess, not mine. If our living areas, bathrooms and kitchen was cleaned that was more important to me. When they got older, if they wanted a messier room then they had to live with that. I tried not to stress about it too much. Eventually they would have their big cleaning day, because they needed to find a certain article of clothing that was probably buried in a huge stack of clothes.

These Saturday chore days lasted right up until all my kids moved out. If I had the funds I might have paid them a weekly allowance, but I didn’t. Instead I praised their hard work and job well done. I even witnessed the pride in themselves for their hard work. I guess in the end, that was the best lesson for them to learn. You have to pick up your own stuff, nobody should be your maid.You have to respect your living space no matter what type of home you have. I hope every family has a “Saturday chore day”….it’s a tool to help your children for the rest of their lives.

It seems when you are a kid you view your parent’s health in only one dimension…invincible. I remember feeling that way when I was younger. My father was always a hard working blue collar provider. He worked six days a week and never, (let me YELL this out,) ever complained. Unlike how many of us are today, we gripe about too many things. Life is not fair. It is not always easy. I think people have forgotten that concept.

When my parents were ill, it changed forever the way I remembered them. I know that sounds obvious, but I never thought of my parent’s health when I was very young. You just knew they were going to be around forever, live for a very, very long time. They just were there and did the same things and life was always happening around us, because of them. They were loving and thoughtful parents and you could easily talk with them anytime. They were not materialistic people and I now cherish that more than ever. What was life like back then, when people came over for coffee and just visited?

I had a life altering surgery in 2007, and my life too changed it’s course in ways I would not have expected. Great things happened like getting married and having new in-laws/great grandparents (which I so dearly miss). However, tough things happened too, like never being able to work at what I loved doing, all my life. The biggest change came when I lost my house due to my unemployment and had to move far away from my own kids. That was very hard to do. So, I adjusted and had to regroup and look ahead. I know my story is not as devastating as someone with a terminal illness or loss of limbs. I can’t use my body the way I used to, their are severe limitations. I can’t laugh out loud and sing the way I used to, but I can speak, just quietly. My own kids knew I was told I needed this surgery but none of us realized my life would be changed so permanently. I am 53 and I was not prepared for such abrupt differences in my health. Yet, this is what life seems to do to us sometimes, brings us the unexpected.

You have to be a very optimistic person and be so grateful for what you have, the love of family and friends. You have to learn to be patient and accept some truths. Illnesses changes the dynamics of a family, you get scared then you get frustrated, then even angry. Then you learn to cope. My message on this post is to love your life, change your life, do something positive, and embrace where you are or where you need to go. It all can change in an instant. Tell your loved ones you love them and appreciate them and live your life being your best person. Be kind to others and treat one another with respect. Life is short. Feel happier. Give our kids those important “Life Lessons” and be real as a parent. Someday our children will be faced with a parent’s health crisis, and we as parents don’t need them to “fix” the situation, but we need them to be able to cope with maturity and love and compassion. This is why we need to teach them Life is not always fair and easy. You do not get everything you want, nor should you. Compassion and love will get you through these tough times. so please teach that to your children.

I adopted my nephew when he was ten years old. However, he has lived with us since he was around three. He is the birth child of my younger sister who has lived a life filled with drug addiction. I don’t know how many others have this experience of raising your sister or brothers child but I have been very blessed. I would have done this in a heartbeat.This young man was in need of a normal stable home life, from the moment he was born. Where he could count on sleeping in the same bed every night and not worry about being carted off to a strange place day in and day out. I was in the middle of separating from my husband, after many years of trying to live with the turbulence of Manic Depression. It was a difficult tough time in our lives, when I got that knock on my front door, I knew it was a new beginning. My mother always said when something is taken away, something new comes into your life to replace it. I already had four children to raise so one more to me was no different. I struggled to contain a somewhat decent relationship with my sister, (the term loosely comes to mind)  though she stayed angry and hostile towards me and everyone most of the time. I had to work hard to remind myself this was the “drug talking” and not her. She was so addicted to that horrible life and everyone she knew, all her so-called “friends” were in the same boat. On Jeremy’s 10th birthday I had a surprise party for him with some very special news. His adoption was final and he now belonged with our family and he was an official little brother to four of his other siblings. From that day on, he was never thought about or called nephew or cousin. Now he was proud to be called brother and SON.

I invited all our family and close friends to share in this wonderful news and he was the happiest boy that day! He just wanted to be like the other kids in school and in our neighborhood, belong to a family. We had many social workers come and go through out these years, but I remained optimistic that this day would eventually come. The family courts do their best to give a parent plenty of time to regroup, get help, find a job and be vital to their child’s life. So after 8 years when my sister could not get a handle on a few of the corrections the court needed her to make it was official, and it was over. I will never forget the day our last social worker came over and had me sign Jeremy’s Birth Certificate…it was very bittersweet. There is no way another mother wants to put her name in a place that only belongs to the birth mom. That day will always haunt me, and I will always feel bad for my sister because that was the day, all parental rights were taken from her. Many years later, my sister and I talk on the phone, she has since had two other children and still struggles with her life. She has been sober for sometime now and I am very proud of her for that. But, as life goes her past will be a haunting reminder of things she will need to answer to and address as things come up. We, our family do not point any fingers, we want her to succeed and are proud of her changes. It will be an uphill struggle as she has a daughter that is about to start on the same path she herself started on many years ago.

She knows she has to be tough and set boundaries, but she is riddled with guilt and shame, and I feel badly for this. I pray for her to have strength, and patience. I love my family of five wonderful kids and I love my sister more for the son she had to let go. For now it’s a slow process to recovery but I am here for her as a sister and a friend.