Parents Talking

I like to think that I am a fairly forgiving human being. I don’t feel it’s ever a healthy thing to hold on to past grudges and bitterness. I have tried to live a good life and be a good person, though I am sure I fell short on many occasions. I worry about how people are doing, what’s going on in their lives, and how they are feeling. It’s something I have always done well:worry. Lately I have been thinking a lot about what forgiveness really means. To me it means letting go of my feelings of hurt and anger towards someone who has been unkind or mean. I know it sounds easy enough, but it really isn’t. No matter how well you are raised, great manners and all, hurt still hurts. It’s hard to let go when the other person stays mean and vindictive. It’s hard to let go when the other person may never apologize or recognize their wrongful actions. What are we left to do? Forgive? I have to admit after much reading and soul searching, this is the best option. I can now rest at night a lot easier and feel much better about what my choices are. We all have the right to choose to stay in the anger and resentment or we can choose to forgive. Not in a condescending way or with pity, but true forgiveness. I think it has to be practiced, the first time or two is not easy. You may feel like it’s a piece of cake to do this but trust me, it takes great discipline and effort. I have to pray and ask for strength and guidance to be completely honest. The reason to do this… I want to live a longer, healthier and less stressful life. In order to do that with pride and dignity, I have to let that other stuff “go.” I will not do this well every time, but I can try my best to be more aware of it’s benefits. Even if the other person wants to hang on to the negative stuff, I can choose to let it go. There is great relief, even a sense of freedom to my new thinking. I am happy to report the one or two people I have struggled to forgive, are now, forgiven. They don’t want to be forgiven, but frankly, I don’t care, they just are. This does far more for me than I could have ever hoped for. A clean slate, a sense of well being, a gesture to love your life more. I want to encourage anyone out there with those trapped feelings of anger, resentment or bitterness to examine your heart and soul. Decide whether to live in a happier more peaceful existence or stay trapped by old, negative feelings. Choose happy over mad and angry, it will bring more joy and contentment to your life. Forgive someone, be kind and live a happier life. Merry Christmas!

How well do we understand how our fellow person is coping with their life? Are we available for a conversation? Do we go out of our way to ask? It’s a very simple thing to do. Just start with, “how are you doing lately?” Your compassion and concern may be all that person needs to give them strength to get through their day.

Every single mom goes through a struggle, no matter where you live, or what you do. We all are guilty of assuming that our battles are the only ones. That we are alone facing the challenges that lie ahead. Well, you are wrong. Sometimes, it helps to read the newspaper or watch the news, to learn compassion and step outside our own box.

When the Tsunami hit, all I thought about was the anguish those people must have felt not knowing where or if their loved ones were even alive? Then we all saw the pictures. What a devastating disaster! In our news from the states we saw how Mother Nature ravaged peoples lives with tornado’s and floods. You go to the store one minute and when you return, not only is your house gone, but the street and your whole neighborhood is too.

I know we wouldn’t wish that on anyone, of course not, but it does happen, all over the world.

There is a Mother in Need in every corner of our planet. Some face more challenges than others, but still it is difficult. I don’t want to imply that where YOU are right here and now as a mother, isn’t as tough a challenge, it truly is. I just want you and all of us to realize, that the world is smaller than we think. There are many feeling the same way as you do, right now. Support your neighbors struggle, show that you care and remember we are all here to help each other.

The other day I was watching a family play together and the mother was reassuring her little boy that someday he too will learn to ride a bike. It was obvious that he took great comfort in his mothers words. Seeing that family play and interact together reminded me of my years as a young mother and child care provider. When I see parents take the time to be patient and show understanding and compassion to their children, it makes me smile. I believe the most simple of gestures and encouragement can help put every child on the path towards self confidence and boost their self esteem.

We all get too busy nowadays, and the hurried lives we lead, can leave little time and energy for observations and discussions, and I think that is sad. Families are missing out on closer connections and seem to always be in some mad rush. We all complain of not having enough time to do things that are important, and yet generally, we have more time that we care to admit.. Just think about the parents in the generations long before us. They cooked from scratch, hand washed all their laundry, and worked together as a family. There were no luxuries like a microwave, a dishwasher, or the ovens we cook with today. No cell phones, no televisions, no computers, They walked everywhere or had horses to carry them, which by the way, they took care of and fed those animals too. Our lives seem much more free today of those laborious tasks of our ancestors, and yet we still have no time?

The little things that parents can do for their children really matter, and in some cases, can be life changing. A simple note of encouragement in their lunches, or a note on their bathroom mirror, reminding them, that they are loved. A reassuring talk about how well they are doing in something, or that you are proud of their efforts. A calming voice that lets them know, you are there for them and that you care. No matter how times have changed, the best gift we can give to our children, will always be, our time and our love.

Some things should never change.

I wrote a little book about my daycare life for 25 years and shared some recipes that I cooked for scores of children and of course my own family too. I talked about the importance of bringing the family back to the table and having those old fashioned family meals again.
My oldest daycare child was four years old, down to the youngest infant. We had our snacks and meals at my table every single day, unless I decided to have a picnic in the backyard. The children were not in those snug cubicle seats, they all sat in the “grown-up” dining room chairs. None of them fell out and all of them were happy to sit at our big table. They learned table manners and how to take turns having conversations. I loved sharing our meals together. They also took turns cooking and helping prepare all the dishes we had. It was very similar to a family dining experience, and that was just my intention.
I see more news stories about table meals and even celebrities are talking about the same thing now. Maybe because of our economy or the fears of job losses or maybe because the subject is being discussed. Chefs like Jamie Oliver hosting “The Food Revolution” is making a big impression on parents and schools, or at least I sure hope so. I guess it doesn’t really matter what the source is, but that people all over, are talking about the importance of “Family Time.”
When my kids were younger, that’s what we called our Sundays. They could not play with their friends, or neighbors. We all stayed home, and hung out as a family. Even after my divorce, I continued to make Sundays our Family Day.
It’s a lost art nowadays, to schedule time just for your own family. This is where the priority should always be. It’s important for kids to know and understand the importance of the family unit. How special that time is together. Few families seem to make this commitment today.
It’s never too late to plan a day that just belongs to the family. If it’s a Sunday dinner, then have that be your special family day. If it’s a Friday evening, then make it special for everyone. Nothing fancy, just shared time and conversation and being together.
Your kids will grow up so fast and Family Meals will get more hectic to schedule because of their work schedules, school events and friends. While they are young, set the standard so they will always remember how very special it was to have Family Time.

I hope you “REAL” single moms out there are not comparing yourselves to those celebrity single mothers. I certainly think it is wonderful that so many women feel their biological clock ticking away, and want to adopt their own “little bundle.” These “Hollywood Moms” have the money, the perfect housing situation, all the groceries they could ever want and the opportunity to hire extra help. They live with all the accessories of a life, we have never known.
You can pick up any magazine to see some of our favorite celebrities walking along by their favorite stores with their kids dressed in their cute, funky, trendy, designer clothes, it looks so adorable. It’s not “our” world. It’s the world of opulence and fortune. Not that this is wrong, or bad, just that it’s not real to thousands of regular, hard working, single moms.
It’s easy to be swayed into believing or wishing your life could resemble that someday. Not unless we marry a millionaire, become an over-night sensation, or win the lottery. The reality: We single moms don’t have enough food half the time, rarely go out to dinner, and can only pray for extra help once in a while. That would be in the form of a grandmother, an aunt, a neighbor or a good friend. Even with that, we usually feel guilty to take some time for ourselves, if ever.
No, our life is filled with: what’s for dinner, take out the trash, pay the bills, wash the clothes, feed the pets, bathe the kids, check on the homework, juggle the utility bills with the grocery bill, or perhaps even a school event that requires extra cash you do not have. That’s the glamorous life of a single mom.
Do I wish the Hollywood life for every single mother? No, not really. My life was a constant struggle with my four kids and then adopting my three year old nephew, and that took eight more years of heartache and tears. It was really tough sometimes and I cried many nights in my bed. I begged God to help me stay strong, and “keep my happy” going.
Every roadblock that came my way, got me here, where I am now. Every lesson, that I didn’t want to learn made me the confident woman I am today. Every sigh, every tear, every hug made me realize my work was as good as anyone else. What sets us apart from those “Hollywood Moms” is this: We live in the moment, sometimes a very happy moment, and sometimes a desperate moment. We make important decisions on our own, that will help shape our childrens future. We are the CEO of our family and set the standards by which are children will grow and develop into wonderful human beings.
It’s the most important job on the face of this EARTH! With just one hurdle or major obstacle in the path of a celebrity mom, they might tumble and not have the strength to get back up and strive to do better the next time. That’s what all of you single moms have that those with excesses don’t have: A tenacious spirit, that will survive anything!
Pat yourself on the back, be your own celebrity, and make your kids proud!

What if this journey as a single mom was to prove to you, that your life
ahead will be greater than you can imagine? Perhaps one day, all the
worry and fretting will finally subside. If you must take one more step
through this day, make it a giant leap!

There is no money and the bills are overdue. The fridge looks empty, and
your kids clothes are getting too small. You can’t remember when you had
your last hair appointment. Your nails are never done, and your hands
feel old. Life is calling and all it keeps saying is: These are the
tough times, but you will get through.

That was my life too, back when I was raising my five children. We had
pancakes way too often, so much so, that to this day, I don’t really
care for them. Pancakes? really? Yep. Sometimes that was all I had for
my kids, and it hurt me terribly. I wrestled with paying a utility bill
or buying extra food. However, I ran a business from my home, and I
needed every single utility to stay ON. My own kids used to tell me,
“The daycare kids eat better than we do.” They were right. Now, please
don’t get me wrong, my kids were nourished, and hydrated, but they had
planned meals and that meant, they just couldn’t eat whatever they
wanted to. I had to make sure nobody ate more apples or bananas than
what was allotted for. I had five school lunches to fix and three meals
a day for me and my five kids, and then there was my daycare business.
My daycare food was separate from my family’s food. That’s just how it
had to be. Still we all ate fine, not great, but the belly was full.

When times got tough, or worse, or harder than normal, I would pack a
picnic lunch, grabbed our hula hoops, Frisbee, and balls and we all
headed to our local park. There is nothing better than seeing a HAPPY
mom playing with her kids. We threw the Frisbees around, took turns
having hula hoop contests, and then we played ball together. Sometimes,
we would make a game out of running the fastest to one of the parks
biggest trees. Then the most fun thing for this mom, I went on the big
swings. Even as a kid I could swing for hours. My mind would soar with
ideas and imagination. To this day, I still feel the same way about
swings, it’s such a wonderful “free feeling.”

Sometimes, you have to wear the hat of an Adventurer. You get to “play”
the part for your kids and show them how to pick themselves up with
good, simple, fun. Running outdoors, playing tag or having a family
picnic. There are so many great adventures to take with your family,
that cost very little. Sometimes you have to pick yourself up off the
floor, and see life through the eyes of a child.

No matter how serious our problems are, don’t ever lose sight of the
child-like experiences of life. Be open, be present, be silly, be an
Adventurer!

I am thinking of rainy days from when I was a young mother taking care of all my children. One rainy day in the house (due to the weather) often led to two, three and so on. It was never the cold days, just the rainy ones that kept us all inside. Even on cold days, we would bundle up and put hats, gloves and warm coats on just to take a walk. That fresh, cold, crisp air was so welcoming after being cooped up for days. There was nothing like that first day outside when the rain finally stopped. The kids were happy and energized to get out and to run and play. I remember breathing in that cool winter fresh air, it felt so great to be with Mother Nature once again. This is a child’s best playground. I do remember getting the blues during those rainy days not like being depressed, just antsy, just like my kids, I too couldn’t wait to go outside again.
Today with the news about the snow and the blizzards that so many have been faced with, I am embarrassed that I ever complained. I guess that is just human nature, to wish for what we don’t have. As far as the weather goes, I love the snow and think it is simply a beautiful sight. However, I am so grateful my one day or five days was never as bad as a week or two or a month inside, because of the snow. When will we ever be content with what we have?
Today we have a high of 56 and it was a sunny gorgeous day, a bit chilly but worth every minute spent outside. Tomorrow it will be a little cooler, but I promise I won’t complain.

If I could give anything this Christmas Season, it would be a gift of “Remembrance.” Thinking of times gone by, and special milestones that have shaped who we are as a person today. Reflecting on shared wisdom from parents, mine, now gone, or my grandmother’s advice from long ago. Remembering the sacrifices so many others have made for us, all of us. Reminding ourselves that many out there have it much worse, and yet often a much Bigger Heart. It’s ironic in life, when things are tough, and you are feeling low, that you appreciate what you used to have.

In my life at this very moment, my husband is battling Prostate Cancer and finishing up on the last of his radiation treatments. I am reminded of times when we didn’t feel this weight or have to think about “the what if’s” so early in our life. However, I am grateful for this opportunity to remember how important we truly are to one another. I feel hopeful and positive that we will get through this difficult time and so thankful, we are together.

I don’t dwell on “why us,” because I think, “why not us.” We are not any more special than the next person who gets diagnosed with Cancer. In fact maybe we have this challenge in front of us, to show our true faith and endurance. I try to live my life as stepping stones toward a better tomorrow, instead of obstacles that leave us stuck. The artist, Mary Englebricht said it so well, “Bloom Where You Are Planted.” Make the most out of where you are and what you do. Be your Best.

Merry Christmas to Everyone and please take a moment to remember all that is good in Your Life!

Sometimes we get so busy we lose track of ourselves. We coach, we mentor, we solve others problems, we volunteer for the less fortunate, we pass on sage advice, we speculate our family’s future, and we just get side tracked. It can seem overwhelming to sort out what comes first, people, things, stuff or myself?
I can only speak from my own experiences, but NOW I know when I have to pull the reins in and say “Whoa.” It wasn’t always this easy for me to stop the clock of my busy world. Long ago, I was a very busy mom, going in five different directions. Hardly a day would go by when I wasn’t nearly exhausted. So I began my walks… I started to walk up at the middle school track, first one mile then two, and finally I walked 5-6 miles every single day after my work was over.
I found my thoughts again, and my composure. I always felt I had a great supply of patience, after raising my five kids and scores of daycare children. But then you forget yourself. It’s easy to do when you are a parent. When I finally took time for myself, I saw through the trees and into the forest. Not a mangled, jumbled, group of trees and brush, but a clear path to a road I was meant to walk. This brought me calm, and peace, and serenity.
Sometimes you have to walk through the trees and into the forest before you can unravel yourself. Your a better person, your kids benefit from a healthier mom, and life is better all around.

As a mother and mother in law, I am finding myself treading this path very carefully. Of course I love my own children very much, and I have great faith in their choices and their way of parenting. I also love my daughter and son in law too. Sometimes though, it can be very difficult, to refrain from making a comment. It might be a helpful comment, or a useful comment, or perhaps in their eyes, a judgment or criticism. It’s just something “they” want me to work on. Oh really?
It’s not because I want to interfere, but I am older, and you know what that is like. We have simply, lived longer. I want my one grand daughter to wear socks more often, and I want my other grand daughter to have a safety-gate in their main room. This isn’t asking too much is it? Warmth and safety? How bad are those thoughts? Still, I see those raised eyebrows, and that corner lip curling, and I swear I am hearing sighs, but I am older. I am wiser, at least about raising babies and children. For now anyway. Sometimes I think what did our generation do when our parents commented and our in laws made suggestions? Oh yeah, we listened, and we nodded our heads and said things like, “Oh yes, we were going to do that, or That’s a great idea.” We were more courteous to the elders in our families, agree or disagree, it was all about being polite.

I have very well mannered kids, but even their glances start me chuckling. They used to know how to answer me when they were young…”Oh, Okay mom, I will do that for you.”  It sounded good, and it gave me peace of mind for a short time. Yes, they are all grown up now and having their own families too. They can be super sensitive to any comment I make in a questioning tone, and I think to myself, why? I mean it’s just a mom who has raised five children and scores of other children too, what do I really know? “Plenty,” is what I am mumbling to myself.

My mother died when my oldest son was a sophomore in high school. I miss her advice. I needed her advice for many years after she passed away. History repeats itself, they too, will miss me a great deal, when I go. I really dislike that phrase, “when I go.”

My kids don’t like sending “thank you cards” and I think this is still very important. To me it is the true gesture of acknowledgment and manners. They feel a verbal “thank you,” and a reminder by text and email is sufficient, who raised these guys?

So for now, I try to watch my comments, and I mean, I REALLY try. Then the other side of me says, “too bad, they are young, and it’s their turn to listen to older, wiser more experienced parents now.” The best part of this, is that they are all truly loving parents to their children, and for that, I sleep well every night! The other part is, I am not the one raising these children anymore, I get to watch, listen and kick back. Parenthood, can be overwhelming, a rat race to get everything done before bedtime, and then if your lucky, and you can still keep your eyes open, you might have a coherent conversation together. Ah the years of parenting, look at me, it’s gone by in a flash! It only took 25 years….

I am good for now, I keep smiling, I stay positive and optimistic about my new role in these growing relationships. You see, I know my own children, they are loving, smart, funny, great employees, and they are also sensitive, cranky, and a wee bit lazy…but I love them all. However, I still think one little girl should wear socks more often, (it makes me shudder because she might get frozen toes) and the other little girl needs a safety-gate put up at home, (it makes me worry, that she will fall, and I will have to restrain myself from saying, “I told you so.”)

Other than that, life is really good. It’s their turn now to fret and worry, and be exhausted, and ask each other “who’s doing the dishes tonight? Or who is doing the laundry?”  Now they get to wake up early and diaper and feed their little bundle, and wish a Grandma was there to help out. Just to grab that little nap, (the ones I now get all day long). I probably don’t know what that is like, to be so busy and run down, and pray for one weekend that isn’t filled with “things to do, and places to go.” I remember. I had five children in my household. I just said “No” more often, and people came to our house. We visited more and had coffee with friends and family. The kids played outside and we watched them. We hung out in our neighborhood on our front lawn, people are afraid to do that now. We liked hanging out at our homes more than the younger couples do today. Everybody has to go somewhere, all the time. Their houses close in on them very fast. Maybe it’s society, maybe it’s the rat race, maybe it’s not that good, to be so busy.

Water the lawn the old fashioned way, do some gardening, plant some flowers and pick out a tree. See? Grandma really does know a thing or two.